


Blowing On The Wind

by CharisCroft



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 11:41:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14789843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharisCroft/pseuds/CharisCroft
Summary: Inside the head of someone at the end of Infinity War(seriously, this is major major spoiler territory, if you don't like spoilers stay away. Plus it assumes you know what's going on from having watched Avengers:Infinity War and if you haven't it might not make all that much sense)





	Blowing On The Wind

It wasn’t exactly ash. Brown flakes that turned to dust and then blew away, leaving no trace. Nothing to show that Bucky had ever been there.

It was selfish, but he couldn’t even start to process the wider loss, the fact that Thanos had won. That even as he looked around, other people were disintegrating. It didn’t matter how many times he lost Bucky, each time it hurt just as badly. Seeing Bucky go away to war; that had hurt. Yes, because he was left behind and couldn’t fight, but also because at the time there had been such a risk that he’d never see him again. So many soldiers never came back from the war. And of course, Bucky never did. He still saw him falling from the train in nightmares; he’d still wake up sweating and straining to reach him. Those were the times he went through multiple punching bags in a session, trying to beat the pain, the loss, the guilt into submission. It never worked for long. 

That had been worse recently. Roughing it with Nat and Sam brought back the Howling Commando days, and he’d wake up, expecting to see Bucky and Dum Dum. And then he’d remember. And even knowing that Bucky was safe, he had been as good as dead. Stuck in cryo. Sure, remembering the ice cover his capsule wasn’t as painful as seeing him fall in the Alps, but still. This moment, the brown dust vanishing as he looked at it, might be the worst yet though. 

He knew that people looked up to him, well, to Captain America. That he’d been an inspiration for other people to be better. Doing stuff for him, for his approval, had been the driving force for so many people. It wasn’t something that he dwelt on, but he’d always known that Bucky did the same for him. His whole life he’d been trying to prove that he was worthy of Bucky, to repay him for everything, for the meals, the friendship, the saving from unequal fights. For giving him hope that life could be better. To prove that his sacrifices had been worthwhile.

And that was part of what made this loss so hard. It wasn’t a sacrifice to win. It was a consequence of losing. 

And – Oh God – what else did that loss mean?


End file.
